Secret Addictions, Secret Sins: Ending My Shame Part 1
Updated: Jan 10
Tell the truth, shame the devil. Tell the truth, shame the devil. Tell the truth, shame the devil. Those are the words I kept telling myself in my head as I cried out to God in my bathtub. I couldn't believe what I had just done. The shame, guilt, and embarrassment was killing in me inside. How could I do it? How could I let God down?
When I was six years old I was molested by a family member. That one act of sin led me to become sexual promiscuous at a young age. By the age of ten, I was watching porn and masturbating. I lost my virginity at 15. That one family member's sick perverted act transferred a spirt of sexual perversion into me. His demons became my demons. Yes, beloved, sexually transmitted demons are real and they are lot harder to get rid of by than a sexually transmitted disease. Unlike a sexually transmitted disease, sexual transmitted demons are not incurable. You can be totally set free and delivered from them through Jesus Christ. But it's a process. A quick binding and loosing them won't do.
While I have been celibate for almost three years now, November 17th will make it officially three, I still struggle with my addiction to masturbation and pornography. The Holy Spirit convicted me years ago of these secret sins and I sought God for help. I went two and half years without doing either of the two and then the sexual urges struck me out of no where and I did it. Disgusted by my own sinful acts, I decided to take a bath. I felt dirty internally and externally. As I got in the tub, the feelings of shame and guilt overwhelmed me. I threw up. I cried. I screamed. Finally, I just said Lord, help me and began repenting over and over again.
I knew how detrimental my addiction was. At one point of my life, I would masturbate and watch porn every day. I even bought sex toys. I couldn't help myself. Even back then, I felt ashamed, but I wasn't close to God as I am now. I didn't have a personal relationship with Him. I knew I needed help, but nobody knew I was doing it. It was my secret addiction, secret sin. So I thought. But eventually people start finding out, but even that didn't stop. What finally made me seek help was my love for God and the unbearable guilt I felt and carried each time I did it. The closer I became to God, the more I disgusted I became by it.
My first step of getting help was admitting I had an addiction. Finally,I told my spiritual mentor and he prayed for me. He said in order for me to be delivered from the addiction, I had to discover my root. So he prayed and fasted with me and we discovered the root of my addiction was my molestation. My molestation opened up a demonic door for generational spirits of sexual perversion to enter my life, the spirit of sIncubus and Succubus (Spirit Husbands and Spirit Wives). Here is a definition of these spirits from a book I have:
Deliverance and Spiritual Warfare Manual Book by John Eckhardt
Anytime we see sex or engage in sexual activities in our dreams we are under the influence these spirits. Wet dreams or dreams of favorite celebrity are demonic. Anytime we are sexually aroused in a dream it is caused by the Incubus and Succubus spirits. While it may feel pleasurable, these dreams are not from God. In some cases, some people have reported being sexually raped by these spirits in their dreams. These spirits are high ranking demons and they are not easy to rid of. I highly recommend you do further research about these spirits because they hold many Christians in bondage.
To get back to the point of my story, These demonic spirits have tormented since I was a child. They terrorize me in my sleep and fuel my demonic sexual urges. Upon this revelation, I sought out deliverance from God. I bought and read all the books I could find about it, watched informational and deliverance videos on YouTube, found deliverance prayers on the internet, and did several fasts to break it's stronghold off my life. While this helped me with the masturbation and porn addiction. It didn't stop the sexual dream harassment from the Incubus spirit.
Masturbation and Pornography are the fruits of the Incubus spirit. I relapsed because I wasn't delivered from the root demon or as we call it in Spiritual Warfare the "strongman spirit". Jesus tell us in Mark 3:27, "But no one can go into a strong man’s house and steal his property unless he first overpowers and ties up the strong man, and then he will ransack and rob his house
In other words, until you kill the root spirit, the fruit spirits will remain. I thought I was totally free my addiction of masturbation and pornography, but those fruit spirits were just laying dominant in my body. Now to be completely honest, before the relapse I listened to some sexual songs (which are triggers). Those triggers combined with the root spirit caused me to relapse.
I relapsed. I watched porn and masturbated. Immediately after I stopped, I felt guilty, ashamed, and condemned. I cried out to God and He said I had to deal with the root in the Courts of Heaven............
This concludes Part 1 of my Series: Secret Addictions, Secret Sins. I will release Part two on Monday, September 2.
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