Silly, sweet, mischievous, not a care in the world….
Why should she….after all ,she was only a six –year old girl
But not all six year old girls had to deal what she did…
For years, what she hid…
She will never forget how it happened….She watching New Jack City and laying on his chest
He told her just lay there and rest
And then he began stroking her…playing in hair…then he made her do something bad
And when she asked him to stop he got mad
She knew it was wrong
But it seemed to happen for so long
Finally it stopped and asked her not to tell
He said if she did he would go to jail
So snitch on him, she did not
But she never forgot….
One of my ex boyfriends once told me I needed counseling. After one of my many emotional outbursts with him, I lost it. I totally snapped. He was right. Indeed, I needed to seek professional help. My anger, pain, and shame of being molested was manifesting in our relationship. My sporadic explosions towards him were my desperate cries for help. For years I tried to suppress what happened to me. As with most sexual abuse victims, I kept what was done to me a secret. I tried to live my life as if never happened, but it did happen. And my ex was a constant a reminder.
His personality, even his mannerisms were like my molester's. Both a had Dr. Jekyll and Hyde personality. They could be charming and loving then like a switch of a light flip, turn cold and heartless. When I would lash out at my ex it was because he exhibited the same traits my abuser had. God allowed my ex to become the tool in which my need for healing and deliverance came to light. No longer could I keep my dirty little secret a secret. The ugly truth of my molestation was rearing its head and I had to deal with it.
I will never forget how it happened. I was six years old and a close family member was babysitting me. After being put in charge of me, he asked me did I want to play a game. I said, "Sure, gleefully!" Before we started playing the game he put on the movie New Jack City. Then he said okay, lets play the game. He pulled out his private part and then told me to put my mouth on it and to suck it like sucker. Prior to the game, he gave me a sucker. He told me in a stern voice, "Do it just like you did the sucker." Now even though I was six years old, I knew what he was asking me to do was wrong. After pleading with him to let me stop, he got mad and clamped his hands around my neck. Fear gripped through out my tiny little body and I did as I was asked until we both heard the jingling of keys outside the front door. Finally, his father came home. In sheer panic he would get caught, he quickly pulled up his pants and threw me up off him. Then he whispered to me, "Don't tell on me." I didn't tell on him. In fact, I never told anyone for 21 years.
The After Effect
I never knew how much the molestation affected my life until years. That vile act planted a seed of sexual perversion inside of me that grew into an addiction to masturbation, fornication, adultery, and attacks from Incubus and Succubus demons. Though he only molested me once, the after effects of the violation lasted for years. A root of bitterness and anger grew inside of my heart and every man that I interacted with that reminded me of him reaped its fruits. By the time my ex and I had gotten together, I was a ticking time bomb and unfortunately for him I exploded. But I don't regret the explosion because it led me to seek God for my healing and deliverance.
For 21 years I kept my molestation a secret. I would see my molester at family gatherings throughout the years and we would both speak to each other and act like nothing ever happened. Externally, I kept it cool. Internally, I feared him. I spoke to be cordial, but I never allowed myself to be alone with again. In spite of my fake smiles and seemingly easy going conversation, I despised him. He knew what he did to me. I remember one time he was sick and bedridden and I was asked to go visit him in his room. I Immediately begin to panic. His mother sensed my fear, yet she still made me go. "Amber, gone on in there....is sick and he's been asking for you," she boldly declared in front of everyone in her kitchen. It's as if she knew I didn't want to go to see him. To ensure I really went, she trailed behind me, but thank God when I walked in someone else was in the room. Briefly we spoke. He asked me about my life and school studies, but I kept it short. He could tell I didn't want to talk to him and he asked me why. Again, his father came to my rescue. I never responded to his question. He knew why.
Living with the secret of my sexual abuse was daunting. Every time I would see the movie New Jack City being played on a TV screen or even hear it being played from a distance, I would get enraged. The movie trigged my abuse. It made me relive what happened and that always set me off. New Jack City wasn't the only trigger. My abuser's father's house was another trigger. Every time I went to his house, I would get irritated and be ready to leave. I could never stay to long, even now I still can't. He didn't do it, but it happened at his house and in the room we always sit in. In his house an evil act was done. An act that haunted me as we sit. Physically, I was there. Mentally and emotionally, I was the traumatized six year old girl pretending to him I was okay. I wasn't okay. Being molested by his son wasn't okay.
This concludes Overcoming My Molestation: Part 1. I know this wasn't your typical #ThursdayTherapy post. God placed it in my heart to share my story and expose the truth. The enemy thrives off secrets, but Jesus said everything done in the dark will be brought to the light. I hope by sharing my story it will help others overcome their molestation as well. We cannot heal what we choose to conceal. Darkness has to be exposed to the light. Look for Part 2 next Thursday.